08 - A New Year

A political "What The Fuck?!"

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/12/30/illinois.senate/index.html
---
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich on Tuesday will name former Illinois Attorney General Roland Burris to the U.S. Senate, sources familiar with the decision say.[...]


---


Why, why the fuck, is this clown still in office?!

*argh* That's... That's just wrong on so many levels.

What the FUCK was she thinking?

So, this morning (around 18 hours ago), I turn on my PC and start up Thunderbird.

The first message I get, is that someone wants to befriend me at Facebook.
I blink, slightly confused, and read on.

I read her name.

I stare.
I blink.
I stare some more.

It was my first girlfriend.

The damn[list of expletives] who nearly destroyed me 7 years ago. We parted on a "high note" which involved her trying to kick me in my private parts while shouting "because of you I will never love again!" in a public area. ... When SHE was the one who broke it off in the first place. (That outbreak came two days later, when she asked me if we could try it one more time and I more or less told her to fuck off and never come again.)

I shredded/threw away everything that reminded me of my year with her. I mended all the emotional scars. I thanked my then closest friends for pulling me out of there back then profoundly. I initiated a scorched-earth policy, and I let her know that without her my life got better, way better, for me. That "losing" her was the best thing that ever happened to me (Not entirely true. Two weeks after the break up I met the girl who would be my second girlfriend a few weeks later. And that was one of the best times in my life.)

And now, out of the blue, she wants to befriend me at Facebook.

I immediately clicked "ignore" and I will neither write her nor read/acknowledge any of her messages, because I really don't need the drama right now. Or ever again.


But... *argh* The sheer guts she must posses to want to take up contact again.


She was one of the very few humans alive I ever wished fiery death upon. I chilled down considerably, but my first reaction to reading or hearing her name is still a sneer and an involuntary shake of my head.

...

What the FUCK was she thinking?

05 - Moments pt.1

Today, after a so-so job-interview, I was standing at a train station at the fucking end of nowhere...

I was listening to the Vitamin String Quartet's version of Rob Dougan's "Clubbed to Death "Kurayamino variation" (a very, very nice tribute, by the way).

And while listening to this, under grey clouds and a slight drizzle coming down, a leaf floated to the ground. Performing a short dance while doing so.

Pretty cool. Very beautiful. Utterly fitting for the moment.

04 - The Streets of my Mind

So, this night I got blown off two times in a row.
And then I said: Fuck it.

So I loaded the iTouch with some music and PsychS3E1, took my car and... Set off.

First one hour of simply driving. In the rain. In the dark. Without a target.
It was bloody brilliant. Relaxing. Mind-freeing. Soothing.

Then I pulled over the nearest Burger King, got myself a menu, pulled to the nearest parking lot, and watched the Episode of Psych while eating in the car, with the rain falling on the roof and utter darkness around me. Like having a cool cinema all for yourself.

Then, again an hour of driving. This time with some targets. The places my first two girlfriends lived, when I dated them. The place my most fondly remembered affair lived, when I dated her. The places where I had my first dates. The place of my first working experience. My schools. Forgotten Bars and Pubs and Places I Met Friends At, back when.

And I thought. The car drove itself by pure instinct. My mind was full with memories. Good and bad. Slight and Intense. Simple Pictures and full-on memory-movies complete with sounds and smells. I let it all flow over me.

And then I headed home. Via the darkest and emptiest route I could think off. I opened the windows, blasted the music loudly and put the pedal to the metal, so to speak. I let the engine have some fun, too.


And now I'm here. Writing this all.
Telling you about it.

And feeling good.
With a much less troubled mind.